This was the song the hubbs and I made our first dance. We both loved this song, but more, we knew that we were it for each other. I said many times after divorcing my first husband that I would never get married again. I said it often. I said it loud. I said it to anyone who would listen. But, I had a very, very bad experience in that relationship. When I met the hubbs, I often refer to him as the other half to my whole. He is what made me whole. To quote an incredibly cheesy line from a movie I think we all know, “You had me at hello.” I knew right away he was the person for me. I think he felt the same, because within a month he mailed me a Ring Pop (for the holidays) and said it was until he could get me a real ring.  Remember, we met online, so I didn’t meet him until about a month after he had sent me the Ring Pop.

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What can I say? The man has his moments.

I was talking to a friend today about the idea I have been working on my doctoral thesis and if you have read any of my work you probably have heard me talk about the idea of disposable vs. forever relationships. My working thesis is The State of Relationships in Modern Society: Disposable vs Forever Relationships. In any case, this is someone who is quite a bit older than I am (I won’t say HOW MUCH out of deep respect for him) but, he has been married for a long, long time. I think 30 something years. So, naturally, I’m always curious when someone tells me this what their take/experience with relationships are and I questioned him. He replied to me, I’m an old- fashioned kind of guy. I believe I made a commitment and I’m going to see that commitment through. Beginning with the free-love movement, the divorce rate began to rise.

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I’m still formulating an article about this: Weeding out the real from the Hollywood.

The divorce rose in the 70s and 80s, but has been steadily declining ever since. Now, around one-third of marriages end in divorce, but those with higher education and employment rates are happier. Also, second marriages have a higher recidivism rate, probably because people are loathe to make the same mistake twice (getting into a poor marriage). Granted during the time Masters & Johnson were doing research, it was difficult for people to accept and hear. Then we swung the pendulum wayyyy over. Sleeping around, fuck buddies, etc, which in and of itself are not bad. I had my share, as did the hubbs, but when we got married we were making a de facto statement. Those days are over for me. That is what marriage is! It’s saying I’ve had my fun and I’ve looked around and this is the person, the one that I plan to be with forever.

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Top 10 reasons for divorce? According to this article, and a few others, infidelity is responsible for a surprisingly small amount. However, finances, drugs and alcohol, communication breakdown, and boredom can all LEAD to infidelity. Good marriages don’t just happen. They require work.  

Is a move back to old-fashioned values what we need? I don’t know if that is necessarily true, although my friend would summarily disagree with me on this point. I think we’ve come a long way baby and we shouldn’t go backwards. However, looking for a significant other, which is what dating is, should not be approached like “a good first husband” or someone to take care of them. Marriage should not be entered into out of desperation, or because someone (like your parent/child/brother/etc) thought it was a good idea, or on a whim.

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Since I have so desperately missed psychology, I have decided to add tele-therapy sessions to my repertoire and you can find that webpage at Self-Actualization Therapy. It will be more clinical psychology and less personal but I would LOVE to see you all there!!

 

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