You know we used  be mad love, so take a look at what you’ve done,cuz baby now we got bad blood…… Its so sad to think about the good times, you and I. Now we got problems and I don’t know to solve em.

Arguments kill relationships, but they don’t have to. When my ex finally agreed to go to counseling, I was over it. The psychologist, however, asked an interesting question. What did you learn about arguments from your parents? I said I learned that you screamed and yelled until you got your way. I remember one time my parents got into a fight over the radio, so my mother ripped of the volume knob and threw it out the window! lmao So, I can laugh now, but it really was a huge over-reaction (she’s also fond of saying, I get all my exercise jumping to conclusions!) My ex said his parents never argued. The counselor said I guarantee you they fought, they just didn’t do it in front of you. This led to my ex’s belief that relationships didn’t have conflict and that just isn’t true. I really think he thought I was gonna turn into June Cleaver (which his mom was). A healthy relationships are there in the good and in the bad. They argue because they two people with two minds, two opinions, two thoughts, and who would want that away?

I have mentioned previously that the hubbs and I had some difficult times. In 2005 my son broke my pelvis, 2006 major surgery in wheelchair for 6 months, 2012 back surgery. All of these wouldn’t have been so much of a problem but, my oldest two kids moved away before my back surgery. When we moved to Chicago, the kids lived with us and visited their dad in summer. After 5 years, they went to live with him and visit us. I was devastated. I was in almost constant pain on a 10 level, I never saw my older kids, certainly not as much as I had been used to the first 15 and 13 respectively years of their lives. To say I was upset would be a gross understatement. I was angry and depressed. I couldn’t work. I could barely take care of myself and Gavin. It was a horrible time in my life and I’m still not sure how I did it. It came to a point where we were arguing constantly, lots of yelling (that’d be me) lots of passive aggressiveness (that’d be the hubbs) and we split for about a month. He’s a great guy, but he’ll do just about anything to avoid an argument.

Now-a-days we have learned how to argue constructively. Psychology tells us to use lots of I phrases. This really is an excellent tool. When you do fill-in-the-blank, it makes ME feel like you don’t appreciate me, etc. Basically, every couple has their “greatest hits.” It’s those arguments that come around again and again. For us, and most couples, the money one is a big one. Now, the way I spend my free money and the way the hubbs spends his free money are different, BUT that doesn’t stop him from bitching and moaning if I spend money on something that’s $20 but he doesn’t think twice about running to get fast food (food is the hubbs weakness). I have to stop and point out to him that we have food here, he doesn’t NEED to go anywhere, he WANTS to go somewhere…… These are two very different things. So we say look what do we need to do to finish this argument once and for all? Then, you compromise. That’s basically what marriage is.

And if you’re really lucky, it make even make you stronger.

Anna Levenson, Psy

annalevensonpsy@gmail.com

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