I hate when I used to tell people I was divorced. They would look at me with this look of pity and say… Oh! I’m so sorry!! Why? I’m not! Yes, sometimes divorce can be horrible, but it can be awesome. The thesis I’m working on is about disposable relationships and entering into a relationship thinking that you can get rid of it if it doesn’t work out. What if you’ve tried it all and done it all, but nothing is working? Sometimes, divorce is your only option. I filed my divorce papers on Valentines Day and it was one of the best Valentine’s I had had in years! Happy Valentine’s Day!!
What about kids? I often heard this comment about my kids, “They’re so well adjusted!” My kiddos, who were 3 and 5 at the time, knew that things were better when their mom and dad were not together. I care about my ex, I wanted to show a good relationship to my kids, but I didn’t love him and I didn’t respect him. I also didn’t want to continue in a relationship where my daughter would grow up to think it was okay to be treated the way he did, or where my son grew up to treat his wife in such a manner. My ex has serious anger issues and they were not conducive to a happy family. Even so, sending spite back and forth between my kids would have done no one any favors, so we decided early on that we would make every effort to not allow the kids to see us at each others throats.
Was everything awesome always? No way! He still made me angry and he still tried to get a rise out of me. I didn’t play to it though. I didn’t have to let him control me or my emotions, so I didn’t. Once, when dropping off the kids, he entered into a long story about something that had happened at work. I told him, as nicely as possible, that was the beauty of divorce. I didn’t have to listen to his stories anymore and I didn’t have to pretend I was interested. That’s what his friends were for and that’s what his new girlfriend was for, not me. If we had something to discuss about the kids, or even the weather, great! It worked and it worked well. I laid out my boundary and we were able to be great parents and even decent friends, without being married and without being lovers.
Next time someone tells you they’re sorry because you failed, remember that failure makes you grow! I’m 10 times the person I was almost 20 years ago and standing up for myself made me grow.
Anna DrRuth ForToday- facebook
linusbaby1998- tumblr (an homage to a very very old screen name lol)