As I am sure we have all heard, many couples go through periods where they don’t have sex. While in an of itself, this may not be horrible (one of you is sick, working a lot, etc), when left unchecked, it can cause a real problem. Since I am in a monogamous relationship, most of my posts will probably reflect this, but that does not mean all these principles can be applied to whatever relationship you do have. Marriage is work, hard work, and anyone who has been married a time or two can attest to this. However, if you have gone down that aisle half a dozen times, perhaps it is time for some self-reflection. In any case, good marriages do not just happen. They have to be given time, love, sunlight…. much like a plant. Without nutrients, the plant will not flourish. The same goes for your sex life. In the LGBT community, it’s even given a name: LBD (Lesbian Bed Death…. dum dum dum…).
So how do you avoid the bed death trap? More work!! My husband and I try to switch off initiating sex. One time I will and then the next time he will. We also try to not go more than 3 days without sex. When one of us feels the need to point out that we haven’t had sex in a while (which for us is a week or so), we do. This open and honest communication leads to, you guessed it, more sex!! Intimacy in bed can often create more intimacy in other areas of your life, especially if you have been together for a while. The worst thing anyone can do in a relationship is to stop trying, especially in an area so hard wired into our systems. One of my favorite psychological theorists is Abraham Maslow. He devised a hierarchy of needs, or what we need out of life. At the very top with food and water, he lists sex. Not intimacy, which, is a very different animal, but sex. Hot sweaty, deeply in love, just in lust, booty call sex.
Now, a word to JUST the ladies. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting sex, there is NOTHING wrong with enjoying sex, there is NOTHING wrong with having sex. There is a word going around these days that I kind of like, slut-shaming. Because we are the worst offenders to our own sex lives. Who says who’s number should be? One of the reasons my husband is so very good at sex is because he’s had quite a lot of practice. I dare say the same about myself, but I will let him weigh in on that topic. My number and his number matter a hill of beans to us because right now my number is 1 and so is his. That’s the only number that matters.