I was reading a question to a psychologist on some website. I don’t recall which one but it doesn’t really matter anyway. This girl had written in and asked if she was messed up because she enjoyed to be hurt doing sexual encounters. Now, not really hurt, in fact, I would barely classify what she had written as S & M. She was talking about small biting and such things. I personally believe that if you have something you might be interested in and your partner is amenable, then by all means try it!! Whatever (as my wonderful friend Dennis would say) tickles your pickle! If it makes you happy and you are with someone who it also makes happy, then its OK. It’s OK to be a little freaky and it’s OK to get out of your comfort zone sometimes…… in all shapes and forms.
So, first let us talk about what sex is. What is it to you? It can be fun, it can feel wonderful, it can even cause raucous laughter. Sex can bring you closer to the person that you love, or even a person you may just care for deeply. Sex can satisfy a basic bodily urge that we ALL have. I don’t care who you are or what religion you are or what home you were brought up in, sex is part of us. We are hard-wired to enjoy it and our bodies are made to cause us pleasure. However, many people may have been raised in unaffectionate homes, leaving them unavailable or simply they do not know how to show affection. Some people may have been raised with abuse in their past, or (as many people do love to point out) Mommy or Daddy issues. Freud helped to coin the term Oedipus Complex, which basically says every man wants to kill his father and make love to his mother (Psycho anyone?).My favorite theorist, as I have mentioned before, is Abraham Maslow. He ranks (in his hierarchy of needs) sex as a basic human necessity, like food, water, and shelter. A couple of rungs down is intimacy. To me, this means that we need sex to survive but not necessarily the intimacy that comes from a long term relationship. That doesn’t mean that you don’t or won’t CRAVE intimacy. It’s still a much needed part of our lives. But, it also means you shouldn’t feel bad if you occasionally just feel like “you need to get laid!” It is okay to feel that way and it is okay to give into it. Be safe (as I have mentioned several times) because having occasional sex is not an issue. Failing to ensure that you do not get or transmit an STD or become pregnant unexpectedly is an issue. A big issue. Protection is not one sided, or the woman or the man’s “problem” but it is something everyone should ALWAYS be prepared for in any case for safety.
Now, this is just as important. What is sex NOT? Sex does not hurt. Sex is never forced on anyone who is an unwilling participant. I don’t care if this person is your spouse. If they force sex upon you when you do not want them to, it is rape. If you are drunk or high and someone forces themselves on you, it is not your fault and you have been taken advantage of and you should report it. If you are not drunk or high and someone forces themselves upon you but you think, “well maybe I could have resisted more, fought back” you are being dishonest with yourself (because there is NO excuse and I don’t care what you think) because THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I cannot stress enough the need to seek the attention of a counselor or find a group that you can discuss your situation and your feelings in because these are some of the best ways to heal. Even if you were attacked by someone you know or your rape was not as violent as some awful ones you have seen, it does not mean that you do not need to heal. Start with a hotline or find a community center that can help you find a group therapy meeting. A good place to start is here: The National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE or The Rape Crisis Center for Children & Adults at (210) 349-7273. Each city usually has a local hotline you can call as well, wherever you may be and I implore you to use it. The way that you will take your power back is by not letting them scare you away from making the person who hurt you feel some pain. The pain of being in prison, cut off from his life, in a cage. The bottom line is two consenting adults, doing what they wish, and makes them mutually happy is okay. And don’t let anyone make you feel bad about that if it’s a little more out of the box than for most people. You’re not being forced and you’re not forcing anyone. Just because it isn’t for them, does not mean you and your happy partner should believe it isn’t for you!